Friday, July 22, 2011

The Last Week

Welcome to the last full week of the decade of my 40's. Next Saturday, on July 30th, I'll be celebrating my 50th birthday. Closing out the decade of my forties. I really don't feel like "50"....I guess. What is 50 supposed to feel like? I always thought it would feel old. I don't feel old. I don't think I look old. Maybe 50 is the new 35~ I miss my 30's, that's for sure. I felt great, I looked great. I also know that was where I made some choices that I look back on now and can say with all honesty, with the right intentions in mind I made stupid choices with my body. That was the decade where I said to Mark, you need to take the kids on Sunday and take them for hikes. My intentions were good, I wanted them to have dad and boy time, without mama. Mama was in fast burnout mode from homeschooling, and really thought they needed that time from me as much as I needed it away from them. The problem was that those Sundays of wandering through the trails of Patapsco State Park were my blood pumping cardio workouts. With giving those up, I gave up my workout. That was a big mistake. I can clearly see that in my rear-view mirror of life. I've paid the price with steady weight gain. Although, it took the next decade for me to see it. I don't recommend being so intently focused on your children that you forget yourself. However, I doubt many do.
Marching right along into my forties and raising three teenage boys, I excused myself again, and gained more weight. some of it hormonal, emotional, some of it spiritual, most of it laziness. I'll take my blame. Place it on my own shoulders. Interestingly, through my forties, I was struck with several weighty lightening bolts. Contrary to when I was 20 years old, in a horrible marriage, and very much over weight and found that I could survive on coffee, caffeine, a snickers bar,carnival pizza (when I worked for dad) and speed, yeah speed...ok, let's address this: I took speed to keep me moving so that I could work fast at my warehouse job. Fast meant lots done. Lots done meant approval. Approval meant I got to keep my job. I needed my job because I was going through a messy divorce and that's a whole other story. But, the bottom line of that was I had no fat on my body. Because I worked hard physically for 8 hours a day, and I pushed myself, I went from 199 pounds to 89 pounds in just under 1 year. I know, most people are horrified when they hear what I weighed. Let's not be. I'm 5 ft. At that time, I was 19 and it was appropriate. Could I have been on the cusp of an eating disorder? Oh sure, of course...but, let's save that for another time. Ok, so back to the story...
In my forties as I began to stack on the weight, I decided to join Weight Watchers, counting points. Great, I needed something else to add to my day along with raising three teenage boys. I remember going through the drive through at Wendy's and I ordered a salad. I felt pretty damn good. Not a hamburger, not the then wonderful chicken they carried. I ordered a green salad...with mandarin oranges....the wonderful Wendy's chicken mandarin salad. I cried, when later I tallied my points to discover that salad had over my entire daily amount of WW points. I came to realize that day there was something very much amiss with food. I have spent countless hours, reading about foods, fats, vitamins, carbs, superfoods, biblical foods, you name it. Finances have limited me to what diets I could try.
I am without excuse. I am without excuse. I need to push myself. It's simple. PUSH and work harder. I need to get up off my ass, so what I'm tired at times. GET UP! My mom is sick. Yep, another reason to get up and move. I want to take classes. OK, so what, take the damn class, remove something from the DVR and pop in one of my twenty-five exercise dvds and hey! Actually do it!! As I said, I have read and studied, and researched the food thing. The FDA, USDA disgusts me. As far as I am concerned, that's the biggest conspiracy story out there. Again, another writing for another day. Food, veggies, fruits, grains, meat from normal size animals that haven't been chemically tainted, water, water, water..........I think I understand that now. I may not ever reach Skinny Bitch status, Hungry Girl achievement nor would I want to as well. Easy Skinny Life might be more in line, but I think I have a few years on her.
As I close out this decade of 4 times 10...I'll be attending boot camp. Boot Camp and I'll have arms of rubber and legs made of jello. And I'll be stronger for it. I'm entering my decade of 5 times 10 with the determination to move everyday in some way. The last week of my forties will be leaving with it the excuses. I'm laying that down and picking up the weight bar.

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